Wake up and smell the roses — Drake isn’t interested in making music for you to relate to. If you want somebody’s music to relate to, then listen to an up-and-coming indie artist who’s inevitably going to flop by 2024. Drake’s sixth studio album Certified Lover Boy is champagne poetry — it’s his ex-fling breaking the windshield of one of his Range Rovers and then having to see him post an Instagram story of a brand new one levels of pettiness. It’s a man who has been at the tippy-top of his respective sport for so long that he doesn’t have time to remember what life was like while scaling the mountain because he’s busy dodging subliminal threats, Venmoing strippers thousands of dollars, and doing promotions for Nike.
As far as any of the general Drake criticisms that have been apparent the last several years — his projects are too long, he doesn’t have a big enough “flow vocabulary,” etc., I'd like to address those quickly. Think of it like this…
Imagine walking up to LeBron James and saying, “Hey, man, you’re great, but I need you to do more. You aren’t doing enough for me right now. I know that you’re hitting fade-aways, backing dudes down, spotting up for 3 at a very effective rate, making Magic Johnson-level passes, finessing layups at 36-years-old like a supersized Kyrie Irving, and still doing the same tomahawk dunk that you’ve been doing since you were 16, but can’t you go a little harder on defense?”
Or telling Martin Scorsese that Goodfellas was too long like, “Hey Marty, this movie’s phenomenal, but do we really need that scene of Henry finding out about the Lufthansa heist?” That’s what people sound like while criticizing Drake. Armchair hoopers, directors, or rappers who have nothing better to do than find a way to criticize the greatest.
Why anyone was anticipating Aubrey “Drake” Graham to reinvent himself once again on an album titled CERTIFIED LOVER BOY is beyond me. This album — which has the most frightening Spotify animated cover of all-time — sees the same Drake that’s evolved bit-by-bit from So Far Gone to Scorpion. There have been minor reinventions and adjustments along the way, including the fact that Drake is both a father and a lesbian now, but isn't just any lesbian-father — he’s the one who glided over any and every adaptation of the hip-hop genre since 2009, all while being a medley-molding gold medalist. (Have you listened to 'WHERE YA AT?' or 'DIGITAL DASH' recently? I'm positively itching for What A Time to Be Alive 2.)
This guy has reinvented himself enough. He’s tried every accent in the book outside of that horrid redneck parody that Kendrick used on ‘FAMILY TIES.’ Drake’s made some of the best R&B, pop, dancehall, and hip-hop songs that the 21st century has to offer. He’s done reinventing himself. Look where it’s gotten him. His neighbor is Celine Dion. He’s head and shoulders above every other artist in the world statistically, logistically, and in terms of general popularity. Whether she admits it or not, your mom is listening to Certified Lover Boy this morning.
Drake's had a global audience now for so long that there are almost too many mouths to feed. He appeases to the dancehall heads who are still cha-chaing to ‘ONE DANCE,’ the old school hip-hop heads who swear Drake is at his best when he’s just plain spitting like he does on ‘7AM ON BRIDLE PATH,’ the DJs in Houston, Atlanta, and Las Vegas who need club anthems like ‘WAY 2 SEXY,’ the Kevin Durants and Safdie Brothers of the world with ‘FAIR TRADE,’ and ’N 2 DEEP.’ Enough of the current state of Drake though, let’s dive into this album one track at a time.
“Champagne Poetry”
Every Drake-head knows that he utilizes the first chapter as a way to set the elegant dining table for the rest of the meal, and it often features two parts like ‘TUSCAN LEATHER’ did. How Drake manages to find a pocket to rap in on the ‘CHAMPAGNE POETRY’ instrumental is both impressive and concerning. Is this autotuned Siri sample really the best they could cook up over at OVO? Nevertheless, Drake glides over it flawlessly and delivers his bar-for-bar stamp on the intro.
“Papi’s Home”
“Look me in the eyes, junior,” Drake tells all of his rap children that he’s fostered and elevated. An absolutely hysterical premise for such a petty appetizer of a track.
“Girls Want Girls” with Lil Baby
Drake, you are not a lesbian. You are a 34-year old straight man. Aside from that, ‘GIRLS WANT GIRLS’ is perfect. Excellent work. I’d be upset about you wasting a Lil Baby feature on a track that isn’t a bonafide club smash, but you already so generously gave us ‘WANTS AND NEEDS,’ so I have zero complaints.
“In The Bible” with Lil Durk & Giveon
Are we done with the whole Giveon thing yet? Don’t get me wrong, I loved ‘CHICAGO FREESTYLE’ as much as the next midwestern 20-something-year-old, but his feature on ‘IN THE BIBLE’ is just a waste of real estate that could’ve been occupied by more Drake. Where Giveon fades, Lil Durk positively shines.
“Love All” with Jay-Z
At some point, you have to be too rich to keep rapping. Jay's living proof of that. He just doesn’t give a damn about the craft anymore. He could buy Picasso’s entire archive if he wanted to and comes home to Beyonce every night. I wouldn’t care either!
“Fair Trade” with Travis Scott
The best track on the album (minus Travis’s uninspired feature). When he really wants to, Drake can make other artists sound like amateurs. This is one of those moments where he’s operating like LeBron in the closing minutes of Game 5 of the 2020 Western Conference Finals.
“Way 2 Sexy” with Future and Young Thug
Allow me to set the scene. You’ve pregamed for roughly two hours and you’re roughly seven vodka-Sprites deep. You’ve ordered an Uber that refuses to change the radio from Eric Church's Pandora station. You arrive at the bar. You order a drink for you and your best friend. The moment that you two turn around from that bar, a record scratch interrupts yet another Rod Wave song, and ‘WAY 2 SEXY’ comes blaring over the speakers. It’s playing at a decibel threatening volume. Now, try and tell me that this song doesn’t make you want to do the freaky-deaky. Or just go home and rip it apart on Reddit. Either option is cool with me. We don’t need your negativity in the section anyways.
“TSU”
I don’t know about you, but I could listen to Drake’s sympathetic odes to strippers forever. I never got tired of the leak, and now I won’t ever get tired of the CDQ version.
“N 2 Deep” Part I
We’re just going to pretend like the first minute of this song doesn’t exist from now on, okay? However, once Drake takes off with the So Far Gone singing on an uninspiring instrumental, we’re moving into more comfortable territory. And then...
“N 2 Deep” Part II with Future
It was so worth the wait. *screams “POP THAT SHIT!” on a never-ending internal loop*
“Pipe Down”
Here’s a challenge: Go up to some random person at a bar and yell, “HOW MUCH I GOTTA SPEND FOR YOU TO PIPE DOWN?! YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THEM MF’S PUT TOGETHER!” And if you don’t have the courage to do that, then maybe just put your AirPods in and pretend that Drake is talking about you.
“Yebba’s Heartbreak” with Yebba, without Drake
I wasn’t familiar with you prior to this ballad, Yebba, but now I’m willing to put my beating heart in your hands. Crush me with a piano and the power of your voice for all I fucking care. This track is immaculate. It reminds me of ‘SUMMER’S OVER INTERLUDE’ in all of the best ways.
“No Friends in the Industry”
Says the guy who has every A-List artist in the industry on his new album. However, it’s host to a couple of the best bars on the project, “And I’m like Sha’Carri, smoke’em on and off the track… You get Drizzy on a track, he’ll put you on the map,” and, “Fuck debating who the G.O.A.T., better not make this shit about the numbers, all I know.” My cap detector reads zero-point-zero.
“Knife Talk” with 21 Savage featuring Project Pat
Drake and 21 will never be able to top ‘SNEAKIN’’ which is both a blessing and a curse.
“7am On Bridle Path”
Anytime you can flex that your only celebrity neighbors are Celine Dion and Prince’s estate, you have to. This isn’t quite up to par with ‘5AM IN TORONTO’ or ‘4PM IN CALABASAS,’ but it’s still better bar-for-bar material than 99% of the product in the ether.
“Race My Mind”
This might be like the fifth or sixth LeBron parallel that I’ve drawn to Drake, but who gives a damn? My simplest argument for LeBron being the G.O.A.T. is that he’s a fusion of 33% Magic Johnson, 33% Michael Jordan and 33% Karl Malone with a sprinkle of Phil Jackson. So, by that equation, I have to find a trio that amounts to Drake… Let’s go with 25% Michael Jackson, 25% 50 Cent, and 50% Jay-Z. No further questions.
“Fountains” with Tems
I think I’m good on the dance-hall portion of Drake’s discography now. Tems shines on this one though, but I’d have to have a Pina Colada in my right hand to listen to this one again without second-guessing it.
“Get Along Better” with Ty Dolla $ign
Am I supposed to feel bad for Drake because he fucked his ex-fling’s friends? Probably not, but that’s some of the most Drake shit I’ve ever heard. I hope there are some people out there who can relate to this one because-- this will come as a shock to literally no one-- Drake and I operate in an entirely different sexual ballpark.
“You Only Live Twice” with Rick Ross and Lil Wayne
Where the fuck are DJ Khaled and French Montana at? As far away from this track as possible? Awesome. That’s how it should be. Let the Young Maybach Mafioso shine on this one.
“IMY2” with Kid Cudi featuring Juice WRLD
This song did next to nothing for me the first couple of times through. Now, after God only knows how many reruns, it’s grown on me.
“Fucking Fans”
Drake’s been spending too much time with Chris Brown.
“The Remorse”
Drake isn’t an enigmatic artist like Frank Ocean. He’s an open book who has opened himself to scrutiny and misinterpretations. Every other year or so, he’ll open up about what’s really going on in the head of the biggest musical act in the world. Like More Life’s ‘DO NOT DISTURB,’ or Scorpion’s ‘IS THERE MORE.’ ‘THE REMORSE’ is the thesis statement of the project, which makes it ironic that it’s also the bookend.
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