Tier 1: The Golden Boys
1. Patrick Mahomes (Previously: 1)
Have we already began to take Patrick Mahomes for granted? I mean, seriously? It's almost as if we've completely expelled him from the MVP conversation despite him constantly putting the most ridiculous arm angles, window squeezes, and pocket movements on display week-in and week-out. Mahomes is maintaining his creativity and explosiveness without losing a step, as he leads the league in touchdowns (14), but he's also remained the most efficient player in all of football since he has the highest QBR in the league (82.9). He's putting Kansas City on his shoulders, one shortstop-esque dot at a time.
2. Kyler Murray (Previously: 14)
There's an argument to be made for Kyler Murray to not only win his first MVP this season, but also his second consecutive Fantasy Football MVP. Baby Yoda ascended into the most dazzling player in football in the month of September. He's consistently putting the ball in inordinately perfect places, as he ranks first in completion percentage above expectation, according to NextGen Stats. But above all else, Kyler's brought a winning state of mind to Arizona for the first time in a decade.
3. Justin Herbert (Previously: 8)
Justin Herbert is, according to Drake, just blessed for talent. He's making video game-level precision throws this season, time and time again. It's unbelievable what he's been able to do at the ripe age of 23 years old in only his sophomore season. A season where he's led two game-winning drives, one of which came against his number one nemesis-- Patrick Mahomes-- and in a season where the Chargers have serious expectations for the first time in forever. He's on pace to throw for 5,000 yards, 38 TDs, and 12 INTs. I anticipate that he'll only get better as the years go on, and he'll actually exceed those numbers, which is simply preposterous for a dude who still battles with acne as much as he does Vic Fangio and Steve Spagnuolo designed defenses.
4. Aaron Rodgers (Previously: 2)
Sometimes, I'll watch Aaron Rodgers highlights just to feel something. I didn't get a shred of delight from his Jeopardy or Shailene Woodly excursions this off-season. He's one of my favorite football players ever. Period. And I'm a Bears fan. I love the cocky air that he carries and his pinpoint accuracy that makes me think he could actually become John Wick for Halloween. He routinely makes borderline impossible throws, and it looks so easy. If I could be as good at anything as Aaron Rodgers is throwing a football, then I'd be the designated free throw shooter for the Los Angeles Lakers this season. God bless you, Aaron Rodgers. The day that you retire will be one of the most bittersweet days of my life. But I WILL appreciate every arrogant smirk and bitter frown until then.
Tier 2: Jaw-Droppers
5. Tom Brady (Previously: 3)
In case you didn't know, that guy with the Uggs sponsorship is still doing the damn thing. He's not-so-much-wheeling and very-much-dealing his way to the second-most passing yards in the league behind only Derek Carr (1,356), all while maintaining a ridiculous efficiency with a 5:1 TD/INT ratio. My theory is that someone's going to have literally kill him in cold blood before he stops being a Top 5 quarterback in this league. If anybody's going to do it, it might be this next guy on the list with a bullet pass to the temple.
6. Josh Allen (Previously: 4)
Josh Allen is a cyborg who specializes in lasers. He throws footballs like they fucked his girlfriend. Watching him is an absolute delight. He's a Madden Create-A-Player come to life. 99 throw power, a mountain of a man with superb speed, and an uncanny knack for squeezing a big ball into little windows.
7. Dak Prescott (Previously: 6)
Fuck Mike McCarthy, all my homies hate Mike McCarthy. All hail Kellen Moore! Dallas's offensive coordinator has renovated the offense around Dak's talents: identifying coverages and changing protections in pre-snap, deadly accuracy at all three levels of the field, and elite mobility both in and outside of the pocket.
8. Lamar Jackson (Previously: 7)
It's no secret that Lamar Jackson is one of the many quarterback loves of my life, and last week against Denver, he looked more like a quarterback than ever. The 2019 MVP is having a career year throwing the rock, and when you add that to his super-human speed and his willingness to lay his body on the line to get his team a win-- you have one of the eight best quarterbacks in the NFL consistently, with the big-time playability to make him the best of the whole bunch. The throw attached above is a 60-yard rope. Things are starting to get scarier and scarier in Baltimore.
Tier 3: Certified Slingers
9. Russell Wilson (Previously: 5)
I don't know if I'm simply fatigued by the Russell Wilson experience, or if I'm just a petty Future Hendrix stan, but there's something about Wilson this year that just isn't hitting me the same as it has in the past. He's typically the best quarterback of all-time in the first two months of the season, and this year he's just been pretty damn good. His TD/INT ratio is sitting at a sexy 9:0, but losses to Minnesota and Tennessee are unacceptable when you have that level of talent surrounding you.
10. Matthew Stafford (Previously: 11)
Stafford has been electric in his new shade of blue, but the question will remain with him until proven otherwise: Does he have the nuts to win the big game? He showed out against Tampa Bay in one of the most anticipated regular season games of the year, but then folded the next week against Arizona and was severely outplayed by Kyler Murray. It'll be interesting to see how the Rams respond to defenses double-teaming his breakfast buddy Cooper Kupp.
11. Derek Carr (Previously: 13)
Derek Carr is leading the league in passing yards. That's all.
12. Joe Burrow (Previously: 15)
13. Teddy Bridgewater (Previously: 30)
Teddy Two-Cups has been slinging that thing around in Denver, even without a healthy Jerry Jeudy on the roster. Can he recover from concussion protocol and continue to lead Denver to
Tier 4: Okay, What the Fuck is Going On Here?
14. Sam Darnold (Previously: 28)
Just like we all anticipated, Sam Darnold is leading the entire league in rushing touchdowns four weeks into the season. Joe Brady has wielded him into one of the most dynamic weapons at the position in a short period of time. New York Jets fans are likely a little more at ease about the original chosen one's departure after Zach Wilson's second half against the Titans last week, but they should still be chewing on their cigarette and pizza sauce-ridden fingernails for the time being.
15. Kirk Cousins (Previously: 25)
Kirk Cousins is so damn white that he's literally evolving into an amusement park ride. Up, down, up, down, down, down, up, up, up. He's either the 6th best quarterback in the league or the worst. There's no inbetween with this guy.
16. Jalen Hurts (Previously: 20)
I will never write a negative thing about Jalen Hurts, but he needs to bring the dreadlocks back immediately. That's the first step towards getting his swagger back. That and continuing to do the handshake with his head coach after every dime dropped. I don't care if he has to waste time on the play-clock. If he drops an 18-yard laser into Devonta Smith's breadbasket then he has the right to go dap up Coach Siriani before taking the next snap.
17. Taylor Heinicke (Previously: Unranked)
This guy is fucking nuts! Heinicke said, "Oh, you thought that Fitzpatrick was toxic? Watch THIS!"
18. Daniel Jones (Previously: 35)
Can Danny Dimes possibly sustain this TD/INT/FUMBLE ratio the rest of the season? I don't know what's gotten into him recently, but he's actually looked half decent the last few weeks. He's also technically the fastest quarterback in the league, which is the most ridiculous thing in NFL history, just in case you forgot.
19. Jared Goff (Previously: 34)
A tour into the mind of Jared Goff while watching Matthew Stafford and the Los Angeles Rams...
"Why doesn't he love me anymore, man? He swapped out one blonde number one overall pick for the other. And I'm younger, I mean... who the fuck does that? And he gave up other assets for him? Where did things go wrong? Is it because my hands are too small? He told me he liked the way I gripped his ball... It was all lies. That's all it ever was."
20. Jameis Winston (Previously: 26)
It's a shame that the best quarterback in the league has been resorted to a Mac Jones role in New Orleans. I wonder what he'd look like if he had a half-drunk coach that called four verticals more often than an 11-year old Madden player. Oh, that's right! He'd throw for 5,000 yards and 30 touchdowns. Who cares about the 30 picks? Air that fucker out, Sean Payton, you coward.
21. Carson Wentz (Previously: T-31 with Cam Newton)
The most Wentz thing ever is for him to sprain both ankles, then go out there, try to scramble, and sprain both wrists. I'll set the over-under at Week 9.5 for that to happen.
T-22. Ryan Tannehill (Previously: 9) and Baker Mayfield (Previously: 10)
And now a live look at Tennessee Titans and Cleveland Browns fans right now.
Tier 5: The Children's First Report Cards
24. Mac Jones (Previously: 21)
Mac has been the most consistent, careful, and considerate rookie quarterback thus far. He's benefitted from a system that doesn't force him to have an average depth of target longer than 6 yards. As the season rolls along, I'm sure we'll see more deep shots from the precious project in New England. He's demonstrated the traits he was hyped for prior to the draft-- excellent feet in the pocket, command of the playbook, ability to hang in the pocket and throw under pressure, and deadly accuracy at the line of scrimmage and intermediate levels of the field.
25. Justin Fields (Previously: 17)
Fields' Week 4 performance against the Detroit Lions was the best performance from a rookie quarterback of the year. And he didn't even throw a touchdown pass. He instead led a lackluster Bears offense to consecutive trips into the redzone where David Montgomery punched the ball in. His lone interception was a result of a tipped pass at the line of scrimmage on a late throw on an RPO. He's been lethal when throwing down the field, barring that he has the time to do so, and has demonstrated innate chemistry with his two star wideouts in Allen Robinson and Darnell Mooney.
26. Trevor Lawrence (Previously: 16)
27. Zach Wilson (Previously: 19)
The only similarity that Zach Wilson shares with Kirk Cousins is that their performances are both bipolar. Except Wilson's version is much more fun to watch. He has an electricity to him that is so contagious and fun to watch. One moment, he's throwing 8 interceptions directly into the opponent's chest. The next? He's using his Madden playmaker ability and throwing 60-yard dots to Corey Davis. Consistency will be the key for Wilson for the rest of the year. His flashes are brilliant, where he makes throws that we could only dream of making, but those are the same throws that Kyler, Herbert, Wilson, Carr, Dak, Rodgers, Mahomes, Brady and a handful of others make on a routine basis.
28. Trey Lance (Previously: 22)
Don't let the counting stats fool you, Trey Lance has struggled so far this season, as expected. Kyle Shanahan said after the Seattle game that there was a reason he was their backup quarterback and not their starter. Lance is a one-read runner right now, who trusts his feet more than his mind. He's still only 20 years old, so the sky is the limit, but now that he's been thrust into the starting role for the Niners, the pressure's on for him to deliver on their playoff expectations.
Tier 6: Would These Dudes Even Play at Alabama Right Now?
29. Matt Ryan (Previously: 12)
Ryan has the best case here. He's a former MVP who's still got a case as a starting quarterback. But I'm sure that Atlanta fans are wishing they'd drafted their Homecoming King Justin Fields in April instead of a tight end who barely gets more touches than Hayden Hurst. Oh well, Falcons gonna Falcon.
30. Ben Roethlisberger (Previously: 24)
No, probably not. Bama would have to adjust their entire offense from mostly RPOs to literally only RPOs. I think Najee Harris may be the best first running back to ever downgrade at the quarterback position in his transition from college to the pros.
31. Jacoby Brissett (Previously: Unranked)
Definitely not.
32. Davis Mills (Previously: Unranked)
If I were the Houston Texans, I would pass on Rattler and opt for Bryce Young in a couple of years instead. RIP Tyrod Taylor, we miss you more than you'll ever know.
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