One statement. One question. 32 teams. Let’s go.
Lombardi Boys
1. Buffalo Bills (4-1)
Everyone’s favorite laser-beaming cyborg Josh Allen is on his way to an MVP season. Can the defense sustain this elite pace and evolve Buffalo into the new perennial favorites in the AFC?
2. Arizona Cardinals (5-0)
Kyler’s an absolute madman and is on a 2019 Lamar Jackson-level hot streak. Will Kliff Kingsbury be the downfall of this underdog-turned-juggernaut in the NFC West?
3. Los Angeles Chargers (4-1)
Justin Herbert is a top-three quarterback in the league, and he’s only in his second year. How far can the golden surfer god realistically take the Chargers in a conference that includes Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes?
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-1)
Tom Brady is immortal and treats torn MCLs like they're rolled ankles. Can the rest of the Bucs remain as impenetrable as their middle-aged leader?
5. Dallas Cowboys (4-1)
Dak Prescott is light-skin Peyton Manning, Amari Cooper is thicker Marvin Harrison, and CeeDee Lamb is Reggie Wayne if he only listened to Young Thug and Gunna. Can the defense remain competent enough all year long to keep pace with one of the best offenses in the league?
6. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)
Lamar Jackson is Black Jesus, only if Jesus was from Broward County, Florida, and had an elite Instagram Live presence. Will the Ravens be able to sustain this gaudy passing attack and mix it with their legendary run game for more than 17 consecutive games?
7. Green Bay Packers (4-1)
Aaron Rodgers and Davante Adams together are like apples and peanut butter— they’re both good alone, but together they make a delicious treat that you should be able to enjoy every day. Just how bad is Green Bay’s defense going to be before they inevitably turn it around?
8. Cleveland Browns (4-1)
Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt being on the same team is a nightmare for opposing front-sevens. But is Baker more of a nightmare for his own team or his opponent at this point?
9. Los Angeles Rams (4-1)
I’m not sold on this thing yet, but who am I to betray Sean McVay? And just how much gel does this guy go through in a calendar year?
Playoff Chasers
10. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2)
I’d just like to say that I had a preseason NFL Future bet on the exact division finish of the AFC North that listed Cleveland in first, Baltimore in second, Cincy in third, and Pittsburgh in fourth. Am I a genius, or is Cincinnatti just the dude at the bar who’s had 5-6 drinks and is really feeling himself, but is inevitably going to go past his limit and vomit on a stranger?
11. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
Who are the New Orleans Saints? Where do they come from? Why are they here? What’s their purpose in this life? Will they ever get over the hump again? Are they even trying to? Or are they happy with where they are?
12. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3)
Patrick Mahomes is now on the receiving end of karma for becoming Baker Mayfield with a Super Bowl ring.
Will he ever stop doing commercials, or do I actually have to live through people pretending that this guy is charismatic and charming for the next 15 years?
13. Chicago Bears (3-2)
Justin Fields is a King and people are so god damn lucky that I don’t have the Bears over the Chiefs purely based on the fact that our defense is suffocating in comparison to their soft-as-babyshit impression of a defense. But, the biggest question still looms — will Matt Nagy find a way to fuck all this up?
14. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
The Tennessee Titans are becoming the New Orleans Saints of the AFC. What’re they trying to accomplish this year? Don't tell me it's winning a Super Bowl because that's not happening this season.
15. Carolina Panthers (3-2)
Sam Darnold’s returned to Earth the last two weeks. Will Carolina finish the season above .500?
16. Las Vegas Raiders (3-2)
Gruden’s gone and the AFC West is seemingly wide open. Can Derek Carr lead the Raiders to a playoff berth now that he doesn’t have a misogynistic troll excessively doubting his every move?
17. Denver Broncos (3-2)
The Broncos just lost to a spiraling Steelers team. Simple question here: Are the Broncos defying their playoff odds or are they early regular season frauds?
18. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
Remember that Saints bit? Yeah, copy and paste that part and just slap it right here.
"Wait... How Many Months Until April?"
19. San Francisco 49ers (2-3)
Kyle Shanahan’s the most overrated coach since Ty Lue. What do you guys even see in someone who has a record below .500? I get the whole offensive guru bit, but he has time and time again underperformed as a coach.
20. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-3)
Mike Tomlin doesn’t deserve this. Will it be Malik Willis or Sam Howell?
21. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3)
Jalen Hurts seems like a great guy. Will it be Malik Willis or Sam Howell?
22. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
This team isn’t good with Russell Wilson, they’re sure as hell not going to be good without him. When will Pete Carroll be on the hot seat?
I’d rather not write anything about any of these teams.
23. New England Patriots (2-3)
24. Washington Football Team (2-3)
25. Atlanta Falcons (2-3)
26. Indianapolis Colts (1-4)
27. Miami Dolphins (1-4)
28. New York Giants (1-4)
29. Detroit Lions (0-5)
30. New York Jets (1-4)
31. Houston Texans (1-4)
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-5)
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